I know I know I know.
I know I should do something about myself.
So, first off, nope. I´m really not dead. Many of those who I used to be in touch with might think so because I´ve been pretending to be finished off for… well, a long time. Longer than I´d like to even admit. And here I´m getting to the point when I´m going to say 'thing is, life´s been pretty rash lately', and you´re think 'oh, just the usual bunch of shits…'. So I´m not going to write that. I´ll give you the truth instead.
Me = not strong enough to face myself, my inner world and my inner demons.
Everybody else = not smart enough to punch me real hard in the face and tell me to man up.
There. That is the complete truth. Many things had happened, many emotions exploded and many other things have happened since the explosion, but anyway. Maybe some of those that knew me already realized that I´m not the type to fight for too long. I rather close up and leave things be as they are. I don´t have the nerves for fighting. So I´m better off with just pretending.
Although a certain thing happened that had pierced my personal bubble of illusions that I´ve been building for many years, my entire life actually, which sent me into a brilliant depression and then shot me right out of it.
So no need to worry about me anymore. Hare Hare… I´m in a good place… Hare Hare… my life is all cool… haha, well, just kidding.
I do realize how many rests I have EVERYWHERE all over the internet. I do realize how many apologies I owe to so friggen many people, those who I dared to call my internet friends. And you guys have no idea what a shame I feel about it all.
I wish I could name all those I owe an apology, but there´s just too many, and I doubt they´ll even see it – and if they do, I´d totally respect if they´d ignore it.
Helen: I freaking owe you so much. You don´t (and I think there´s no way you possibly could) realize how much you did for me and what you mean to me. Seriously, I appreciate you and I always will. You´re technically the only one who continued to stick around with me.
Stan: We´ve hurt each other many times, I know, but hey – I´m bearing with you, and you´re bearing with me. How about we keep that up?
Kat: Oki doki, I know I screw up many things, and I know I don´t deserve even the slightest snatch of your acceptance, but still. I do need to say I´m sorry. You know you´ll always mean a lot to me.
Birdie: Though we don´t know each other much, I think I need to apologize for not even being around to tell you happy B-day, or at least review your surely lovely pictures for you. Yep, I´m horrible. And you have every right to think I´m a… well, anything ugly you can imagine.
Fee: We´ve been talking a lot, you´re truly awesome young gal, and I´d like to make everything up to you. Not replying to your last message was killing me, really, but as I´ve said before. I had to pierce the bubble first.
I´m not really coming back, I still have many thing in my life to accomplish (or sumthin'…), but you can count on that I´m gonna come back soon, kick everybody´s ass and make you regret forgetting me!
And the latest message of them all in this very long journal: I´m gonna get to it. And I´m gonna do everything I was supposed to do long time ago.