BarbaritaS

I KNOW
I know I know I know.

I know I should do something about myself.

So, first off, nope. I´m really not dead. Many of those who I used to be in touch with might think so because I´ve been pretending to be finished off for… well, a long time. Longer than I´d like to even admit. And here I´m getting to the point when I´m going to say 'thing is, life´s been pretty rash lately', and you´re think 'oh, just the usual bunch of shits…'. So I´m not going to write that. I´ll give you the truth instead.

Me = not strong enough to face myself, my inner world and my inner demons.
Everybody else = not smart enough to punch me real hard in the face and tell me to man up.

There. That is the complete truth. Many things had happened, many emotions exploded and many other things have happened since the explosion, but anyway. Maybe some of those that knew me already realized that I´m not the type to fight for too long. I rather close up and leave things be as they are. I don´t have the nerves for fighting. So I´m better off with just pretending.

Although a certain thing happened that had pierced my personal bubble of illusions that I´ve been building for many years, my entire life actually, which sent me into a brilliant depression and then shot me right out of it.

So no need to worry about me anymore. Hare Hare… I´m in a good place… Hare Hare… my life is all cool… haha, well, just kidding.

AND NOW

I do realize how many rests I have EVERYWHERE all over the internet. I do realize how many apologies I owe to so friggen many people, those who I dared to call my internet friends. And you guys have no idea what a shame I feel about it all.
I wish I could name all those I owe an apology, but there´s just too many, and I doubt they´ll even see it – and if they do, I´d totally respect if they´d ignore it.

But anyway.

Helen: I freaking owe you so much. You don´t (and I think there´s no way you possibly could) realize how much you did for me and what you mean to me. Seriously, I appreciate you and I always will. You´re technically the only one who continued to stick around with me.
Stan: We´ve hurt each other many times, I know, but hey – I´m bearing with you, and you´re bearing with me. How about we keep that up?
Kat: Oki doki, I know I screw up many things, and I know I don´t deserve even the slightest snatch of your acceptance, but still. I do need to say I´m sorry. You know you´ll always mean a lot to me.
Birdie: Though we don´t know each other much, I think I need to apologize for not even being around to tell you happy B-day, or at least review your surely lovely pictures for you. Yep, I´m horrible. And you have every right to think I´m a… well, anything ugly you can imagine.
Fee: We´ve been talking a lot, you´re truly awesome young gal, and I´d like to make everything up to you. Not replying to your last message was killing me, really, but as I´ve said before. I had to pierce the bubble first.

AND SO

I´m not really coming back, I still have many thing in my life to accomplish (or sumthin'…), but you can count on that I´m gonna come back soon, kick everybody´s ass and make you regret forgetting me!

And the latest message of them all in this very long journal: I´m gonna get to it. And I´m gonna do everything I was supposed to do long time ago.

~Love, Barb

You know those times when you´re feeling just awful, but then something awesome happens?
Well, right now my life is not as great as most of the people would suspect. It´s no good, but I will live.
And today, the miracle happened - a wonderful artist master, Death´s Little Birdie, got me out of my bad days. Not entirely, but she´s one of the few people who helped me feel good again. You know that feeling, right? Like a huge stone rolled off of your heart. Like you were under water and somebody pulled you out so you could breathe again. That´s how I´m feeling right now. Not at my best, but smiling even though I have practically no reason.

I wish I could make it up to her somehow!!!

Thank you, Birdie!

Hey there, everyone desperate enough to read this!!

For some reason, I decided to scan my drawings, fix them a little through the Photofiltre and post here. Why? ... Hmm... I guess I´m trying my luck everywhere (and I fail everywhere).
Now it´s just digital art. It rules the internet. Seriously. And those don´t own a tablet due to total incompetence of their goddamn stupid country (in my case Czech Republic) are kind of ignored. Not that I think I´d have more attention if I had tablet. Y´know, just... thought that I might try it.

So... if anyone in any case wanted anything - like that wonderful moment when someone wants you to draw a picture for them - just feel free to ask. I don´t have stuff to do, so...

Is it just me, or is school hell of boredom?

  I really am not that kind of girl who is perfect student, good girl and total sweetheart. I´m it´s opposite; not that I´m a creepy gangster with piercings and stuff who shits at school, but it´s not like I want to go there either. Sweet heavens, it is just so boring! Maybe if the teachers would make the facts more intristing, or, at least, if they would pretend to be intrested in our knowledge!
  So my point is, damn it, why can´t we study by ourselves? Lets put it that way; there are so many interesting magazines and books about chemistry, physics, history, geolody, boilogy - if they won´t accept us learning from breath-taking articles in these, why the hell can´t they make the lessons more... bearable?
  This Monday, my History theacher was examing me from the World´s second war; I started with facts and numbers, but then I started to speak about Hitler and occultism, dark magic and these creepy things I read in one of my magazines with mysterious themes and historical enigmas; actually, the magazine is called Enigma x))
  Well, and I got F. Just because I knew someting my teacher didn´t.
  So, when tey are too lazy to study during their entire life, why do they teach young generations? To make us stupid?
  
  Where´s the world heading... (?)

I was just painting some strange things in my bathroom, when i found Im bleeding. I had a terrible scratch on my knee (i don´t know where or wher I fall or something). But my blood was just that red as I needed for my painting... what do you think I did...? Hooow unexpected... xDDD yep, I used my bloody knee for painting xP well, i hurt a little, but my painting looks pretty good x)